Hi Readers,

First a little background.  This blog post is based on an email I recently sent out in gratitude to the participants of the Making Room For You Assessment.  (The Assessment is still open and if you are a female professional,  I invite you to take it!  I will then send you the series of emails I created to thank the participants.  I have received great feedback about how helpful the content has been to readers.)

The focus of this email I sent out was on learning how to manage relationships better, both personal and professional.  Here's what I said.

THE QUESTION

In previous messages [to the Participants], I talked about how you are your best resource. I believe the same holds true in this context.   So, the best gift I can offer you here is another question. (Coaches do love to ask questions! :-))

A powerful and basic question you can ask yourself when you are feeling challenged in any relationship, personal or professional, is:

What do I want for this relationship?

When you have your answer, govern yourself accordingly, accessing the best parts of you to do so. The question has the effect of moving you out of the issue at hand for a moment, and reminding you of the bigger picture, that of the relationship as a whole, so that you can then ensure that your actions and behaviour are consistent with that bigger picture. It helps you see that the relationship is an entity separate from the two of you, and something that you will influence with your behaviour. To act on what you really want for the relationship might be quite a challenge for you. (I speak from personal and professional experience here, as I am my own longest-standing client.) You may need to draw on qualities such as courage, integrity, authenticity, self-responsibility, compassion (for both of you), creativity and collaboration.  It will be easier if you approach it all with the attitude of "live and learn", of wanting to continue to grow. Also the more you deeply know yourself (your values, your strengths, your passions and so on) and love yourself, "warts and all", the easier all of this will be.

EXAMPLES

Let's look at a couple of examples. First, imagine you are having ongoing issues with a peer at work and you must interact every day. What do you want for that relationship? Perhaps you conclude that you want to be able to get along with this person so you can both do your work and avoid unpleasantness on a daily basis. In that case, remember this when something happens that really annoys you, even if you were "right". How could you behave in that situation that would facilitate "getting along"?

Here's a second example.   Imagine that you have been having an ongoing "dispute" (aka fight) with your partner about something, let's say a financial issue. It is really easy for both of you to quickly get highly emotional about the issue - talking about money does that to many of us. What would happen if you were to ask yourself, right in the middle of the dispute: "What do I want for this relationship?" ... And, the answer might be: "I want us to have a relationship that is filled with love and trust and lasts for the rest of our lives." If that's the case, how might you change your behaviour right in the moment? Or at least the next time you find yourselves having that fight? :-)

Of course, we all have many more types of relationships in our lives, with children, siblings, parents, bosses, employees, and so on. In each case, I invite you to ask yourself the same question: "What do I want for this relationship?"
Maybe in some circumstances, you don't actually know the answer to: "What do I want for this relationship?" because so much is uncertain. Maybe the relationship doesn't yet even exist, such as when you are yearning for a new intimate relationship with someone.  In that case, I would invite you to be true to yourself and the values that you hold dear. I invite you to get to know yourself and love yourself with all your imperfections.  All this is easier said than done, I know.  Written reflection would be an excellent tool for you to use to help you overcome this challenge.  One way to reflect is to journal,  which is an incredibly effective way to create change for yourself.  Remember, you can always experiment with journaling on my journaling website. It is free and easy to use, with wonderful results. And, of course, you can apply for a free Strategy Session with me to start you on your way to clarity.

RESOURCES

Finally, here are a couple of resources for you which are helpful, especially for more intimate relationships:

• a recent New York Times article called "The Brain on Love" by Diane Ackerman
• a TED talk by Helen Fisher "The Brain in Love"; she has also created a dating site called Chemistry.com based on her MRI research that looks interesting, though I don't know anyone who has used it...

You can always check out the resources page on my website for more ideas.  I am an avid reader and am always adding new items to it.

(This powerful question "What do I want for the relationship?" is drawn from the coaching materials I was given in my training by Adler International Learning Inc.  It is part of the Adler "Value Triangle".)

So, now, blog post readers, what are you taking away from this that is valuable to you? Please post a comment and let me know. I really value your feedback!   And remember, you are welcome to sign up for a free journal at my JournalEngine site. You can even just try it for a week and see how you like it.  I have created a simple but powerful exercise, proven to improve well-being (especially happiness), for you to try when you sign up.  If you have questions about the journaling site, please email me and I will be happy to answer them.

Hi Readers, I am sorry for the long time between posts.   I am happy to be back here blogging again!

My family and I were lucky enough to be able to go to Florida last week for March Break.   We had a really lovely holiday; lots of good "family of five" time as well as fun times with grandparents and a great aunt and great uncle.   We arrived quite exhausted and left much more relaxed.   It was a very successful holiday for us.  The travelling home was smooth and seemingly without incident, just the way we like it.  We arrived home at about midnight so we were all tired the next day and school attendance was a bit erratic.   But it was all good....Until I went to check my todo list on my iPad and found it wasn't in my bag.   Panic set in! I ran around the house in a crazed way looking for it.  My amygdala (the primitive "fight or flight" part of my brain) was in control as I feared the worst:  someone would turn it on, see that there was no security passcode and start reading my endless notes, my addresses, some of my passcodes (nothing financial, but still) and take advantage of this information in some way.   I felt sick with fear.  Over and over and over, I went through my actions during the trip to try to figure out where I had lost it.  I felt so vulnerable and there was a sense of violation and loss of control.  On this blog I have written about wanting to be vulnerable, since it is a powerful way of connecting with people and it feels good to me; however, this level of vulnerability was too high and not voluntarily and it felt awful.    I am writing this post now to reflect on the experience and learn from it and share that learning with so you can apply it where you deem it's helpful.  I am also writing it to share my gratitude to the anonymous, honest person who made it possible for my ipad to be returned to me within 36 hours of my losing it.   (I know this story is of a "first world, champagne-type problem", don't get me wrong.  I am sharing it because it did have such a powerful effect on me and I am curious about my reactions and what we can learn from them, especially with respect to being resilient in adversity.)

I admit I really hate losing things and I have developed many systems to ensure that I don't lose things. In fact, I generally pride myself on being pretty careful and vigilent about this, about valuing and caring for the things that I possess.   So, losing such an expensive item containing information that I value and is personal hit me hard on a number of levels.   I couldn't help but think about my reaction if one of my children had lost their iPad.   I would likely consider them irresponsible and not deserving of having one.   Hmmm.  Food for thought.

I scrambled throughout the day to change passcodes, and true to form, did not do a good job of it because I was too panicky.  I know that when I am panicky I do not handle technical matters well.   Does this happen to you too?  So, at a certain level, this activity helped give me more of a sense of control over the situation, but also frustrated me as I made mistakes.   I was trying to take action, rather than just worry (see my earlier post, Do You Have a Worry Cup or a Cup of Concern?")

I had no coaching work planned for this first day home; just getting settled again after being away is enough for me.  I generally find I am a bit disoriented after being away and need time to get everything in the house running smoothly again before I can concentrate on work.  So, soon after I discovered the loss,  I went for a run to try to clear my mind; this helped a little, but because I was really tired already, it wasn't as effective as I had hoped.   I scrambled around with more passcode work.  Grocery shopping with my older son who was still on holiday helped; I actually enjoy grocery shopping and thinking about yummy healthy meals to prepare for us.   Then later in the afternoon once the kids were home from school, I decided to make homemade granola, for my husband mostly as he had been bugging me to make some, but I love it too as a snack with yogurt on it.  I love the goodness of it and the smell of it as it is baking.  The whole house smells delicious.    This was something I could do that I could control and that would be a concrete accomplishment for the day and also a gift to Andrew and to me.    It gave me a mental break from my panic state and helped me feel some positive emotions.  I was managing my energy, taking breaks from the stressful situation.  And, this time I didn't burn the granola, which was a bonus.

That night, I had a feeling I would have a hard time sleeping.  I tried some of my tricks to ensure a good night's sleep (see my earlier post "Ah, Sweet Slumber, What's Your Favourite Bedtime Routine?" blog post).  I also wrote in my new online journal at my Journal Engine site, about "What Went Well, and Why, Today".  This is a very powerful daily ritual backed by research in positive psychology. For more information, join my site and try it out! I would love to see you there.)

However despite these measures, as I feared, I woke up around 3 am and instantly thought about the issue.   Then when I grew tired of ruminating on that, I moved on to other hot buttons....then when I returned to the iPad loss, I tried something new.  I tried visualizing that I just let it go, float off into space.  I also tried to imagine the person who had it, who was enjoying using it and had erased everything I had on it because what they wanted to do with it was much more interesting to them.  Both of these visualizations helped a lot.   I felt more peaceful with the situation.   No blame.   I actually went back to sleep, which was surprising to me since I have often stayed awake.   In the morning, I felt better.  Still upset but better and I knew I was bouncing back, being "resilient" (another positive psychology term).   I performed my usual morning tasks and after returning from taking my daughter to the bus stop, I received an email message that my iPad had been found!  I couldn't believe that I would be so lucky!  It is not that I don't have faith in humanity and the general goodness and honesty of people, but an iPad is such an easy, tempting thing for someone to keep.    I guess someone, likely a member of the cleaning crew at Air Canada, found my iPad and turned it in to the company's lost and found office.  They matched it with my lost item report and within 36 hours of landing I had it back.  My kind husband went to the airport to pick it up for me (he likes to drive :)).  He noted that there was many iPads at the lost and found office, waiting to be claimed.  (I should add, that this is not the first time we have lost something travelling home from holidays.   A few years ago, we left my carry on bag, with camera and other valuables right beside the baggage claim area.  We actually reminisced about this as we were waiting for our bags this week, not yet knowing of my loss.  When my husband returned the next day to look for our bag, it was exactly where we had left it.   Wow, that was lucky too.)  So, thank you to the kind and honest stranger who found my lost iPad and took steps to return it to me.  I really appreciate it and will do "good turns" for others in gratitude.

Lessons learned:

• put a passcode on my iPad. I have one on my phone but didn't bother wtih my iPad.  It would have saved me a lot of worry and is worth the extra few seconds to get into it.
• pack my carry on bag more lightly.   I always over pack it.  My family teases me about it all the time.  I like to be prepared for many eventualities and enjoy looking forward to all the "free time" I will have on the plane and have so many plans for the things I want to do with that time, books to read, games to play, etc.   But really, I could be content with much less in my bag.  (Hmm, I think there is a metaphor here to play with at some point....)
• use a carry on bag with a zipper closure.   I was using a big tote bag and the ipad must have fallen out when I shoved it under the seat.  I am thinking of going back to my trusty MEC backpack, not as fashionable, I know but oh so functional.
• continue to manage my energy to become more resilient so when greater adversity comes, as it surely will, I will be capable of handling it and bounce back, with "more found".

Does this story resonate with you?  What did you learn from it?  I would love to hear from you, as always.

Happy New Year Everyone!

To start of this year of blogging I thought you might enjoy Michele Wong's inspiring story below.   I met Michele last November at a Young Women In Law Charity Gala  which was held to raise money for the Belinda Stronach Foundation.  I was struck by Michele's brimming enthusiasm and clear passion for her work and life.   This became even more evident to me as we met over coffee a few weeks later.  Michele has clearly found her "Element", the place where her talents and passions intersect (for more on this topic, see this post).  She agreed to write up her story so I could share it with you.  Here it is:


Lessons of a 20-something year old, by Michele Wong

Until recently, I never thought of myself as someone who leads an extraordinary life.  My name is Michele Wong and I am 26 years old.  I am currently the Director for Girls and Women programming at The Belinda Stronach Foundation.

On the occasion that I am asked what lead me to where I am today, I find myself really having to think about it.  The short answer is that I have a need for action.  I just love being in the thick of it.

Upon graduating from university, I began my "career" in politics.  I say "career", because in politics, it's not a conscious choice.  It is something that many fall into, and for the few who survive, it evolves into something extraordinary.  My first role involved organizing events and logistics for the Premier of Ontario.  The job was extremely fulfilling and allowed me some of the best professional experiences of my life; from traveling to Israel and the West Bank to China and Hong Kong.  At the time I knew this was extremely rare for someone in her early 20s, but it still didn’t feel like I was doing anything that extraordinary.  It happened so fast.  Eventually, the time came when I knew I needed to do something different, something new, perhaps even more exciting.

Even though the job was still exciting, I knew that the time is coming that the excitement would run out.  So I started doing information interviews with the contacts I acquired over the years to learn more about what was out there in the world to explore what I could be interested in next.

Through cold calls and requesting connections via friends and family, I met CEOs, Vice Presidents, Directors, and Managers from non-profit organizations, corporations, government and crown corporations.  It was a journey for self-assessment and exploration.  I learned that I required a cause to remain engaged and excited, whether it was political or social or economic, to better the lives of people.  I eventually met a woman who ran the Foundation I currently work for, and 30 minutes after the information interview, she offered me a job to organize the G(irls)20 Summit in Paris, France, a summit that mirrors that of the G-20 leaders, but includes young female leaders from the G-20 nations plus one representative from the African Union.   It felt like fate.

The transition from government to non-profit was difficult for me as the relationships I built while working in the Premier’s Office were unyielding.  However, I knew that it was something I needed to do – to explore a new interest, and my new self.

At the G(irls)20 Summit, during an off-hours conversation among colleagues, a new acquaintance shared her insight on the matter of growth.  She told me we all start our lives at the bottom of a mountain.  We climb it without knowing what is at the top.  Whether it was a degree, a goal, a career; we climb.  When we reach the top, we discover a variety of mountain ranges we could not reach when we were at the bottom.  The choices become greater in numbers and in range once we accomplish our goal.  This analogy is something I now live by and love sharing with others.

I look forward to my next journey, whatever it may be.

Milisa:  This is some of what I notice from Michele's story:
•    her language.   She talks of excitement, of adventure, of extraordinary experiences, of fate, of learning and of self-exploration.  She talks of how she needs to feel like she is working to better the lives of other people.  She is fuelled by that feeling; from this work she derives spiritual energy, the most powerful source of energy we can access in ourselves.
•    she has clearly done a lot of reflecting to get where she is after she seemingly "fell into" politics.
•    from her cycle of reflection and action, over and over again, she has learned much about herself, particularly about what "excites and engages" her.
•    Michele has been very proactive.
•    she persevered with her transition even when it was difficult.   She trusted in herself enough to persevere with her choice.
•    Michele said getting her current position "felt like fate".  Don't you think that's interesting?  Michele clearly had a large role to play in where she is now, but it is said that once we are able to really notice what energizes and excites us and we move toward that, the "stars align" to help us along.
•    I love her mountain range image too; and felt inspired to find a photo I thought would illustrate it well.
•    I also love the fact that Michele is working to better the lives of other women, a pursuit close to my heart!
•    Finally, I wish Michele well on her journey.  The beautiful ripple effect she is creating in the world will continue to grow as she climbs!  We will all benefit from that.

Over to you...what will you take from this story into your life?  What reflection would you like to do? What new actions would you like to take in pursuit of your Element, if you haven't exactly found it yet?
I would love to hear from you!

Merry Christmas to those who celebrate Christmas!  Happy Hanukkah to those who celebrate Hanukkah! And Happy Holidays to everyone!   May there be lots of light of all kinds in your lives this season.  (You can see from our front yard display that we are working hard on this.  And this is just the front yard....!)  I wish you a wonderful 2012, with lots of Room For You included!

Thank you for your support and interest in the work I have been doing and the fun I have been having in these blog posts.  I look forward to continuing to create community here together in 2012!

PS On managing energy:  Have a look at this fabulous video 23 and 1/2 hours: What is the single best thing we can do for our health? by Dr. Michael Evans who lives in our neighbourhood here in Toronto.  It is 9 minutes incredibly well spent! Watch it and then share it with others. Enjoy!

Multitasking becomes more than just a contemporary buzzword during the holiday season: it begins to define our way of life. Particularly for mothers –especially if you work outside the home – your daily To Do list that may already include getting yourself and your entire family out the door on time in (relatively) clean clothes just expanded exponentially. Now you can enjoy the dubious task of squeezing additional errands into your already packed lunch, early evening and weekend schedules.  Seeking out gifts is a big addition for most of us, no matter whether you celebrate Christmas, Kwanza, Hanukah…but if you host a holiday event at your house – with cooking and baking and cleaning and decorating – that list just got a whole lot longer.

Accentuate the Positive

Unfortunately, whether it’s human nature, or just a consequence of the rush-induced stress of the season, we often allow the flood of overwhelm to overtake our day. Sometimes, our hyper focus on doing and its ensuing exhaustion can completely cloud what is most important to us. Dare we admit it? Sometimes, we don’t like the holidays very much.

Those of us who pride ourselves on our ability to multitask in our family, career and community, or who are simply great at getting things done, have inevitably perfected our capacity to juggle. Meanwhile, we’ve also internalized beliefs about ourselves – about how organized and efficient and competent we are – that keep us trapped in a cycle of doing more and more and more.

Spread Joy Up to the Maximum

Admittedly, some undertakings are far less odious than others, like finding the perfect gift for someone and then watching the look of delight on their face as they open it. And some extra activities are truly special: like reunions with long unseen, favourite relatives come from afar; intimate get-togethers with good friends; or those quiet late December afternoons spent playing board games with everyone still in their pajamas. These are the things that really matter, the things that hold the heart of the season intact.

So, before the chaos of the season completely washes over you, take a healthy step back from the edge as you go to add another task to the list, and simply ask yourself, “Is it essential?”.  It is possible, maybe even probable, that if you don’t do it, whatever it is won’t get done. Maybe that’s okay. This year, as you allow yourself to juggle a little less effectively, and maybe even drop the ball on occasion, don’t chase after it. Instead, try taking a deep breath. On the exhale, just watch the ball roll away. Feel lighter? Me too.

I am sitting here at home on this wet, grey December Monday morning, feeling a little unfocused.  This is ironic, given that I really want to write about mental energy and how focusing mentally can help us manage our mental energy.  However, as I write this I realize, maybe this is just what I need! This challenge:  to give myself permission sit and write this post until it is done, or 90 minutes passes, whichever comes first.     No distractions allowed, unless there is an emergency...So here I go, I am closing my email....ignoring my phone (unless it's one of the three kids schools!)....And, I begin...

If you want to get really good and important work done in less time, feel the satisfaction of this accomplishment, and find you are energized for the rest of your day,  I encourage you to read this post and try this process right away.  When I refer to "mental energy", I am talking about our level of mental alertness and our ability to maximize, control and focus that alertness on completing specific task.    This is single-minded focus, not multi-tasking.  Not quickly checking an email that popped in and getting back to the work.  Not reacting to remembering a little task that has to be done but is not an emergency.  This is proactive, intentional stuff.    It is about giving ourselves the freedom to make the room to focus on what's important today.    It does take some planning and some pro-activity. It does highlight the fact that we do have much responsibility for how we can structure our days, and our lives.    As Bill Baren, a well respected time mastery coach says,  be 100% committed to whatever we are doing.  Anything less is not worth it.  Do something else instead then.  Susan Jeffers, of Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, offers a similar perspective, when she introduces  the "magic duo": realizing that everything we do matters and that we should strive to be 100% committed to whatever it is we have chosen to do.  Finally, it's consistent with the idea of putting the big rocks in first.

Those of you you have read my earlier posts know that I have a tendency to try to multi-task.  It works for me sometimes, but I have realized I can be and do better.   A few months ago I came across this blog post by Tony Schwartz, one of the authors of The Power of Full Engagement: Managing Energy Not Time is the Key to High Performance and Personal Effectiveness.  (This is the book which has inspired this series of posts I have been making on managing energy not time.)   In his post, Tony Schwartz suggests a certain process for focusing, which has worked very very well for him.  I decided to try too and I can tell you definitively that it does work, even for a die-hard mutli-tasker like me!
I should say that your ability to focus, when you have decided to focus, will also be helped if you have been managing the other energy muscles as well (see my past blog posts about these).  For example, if you haven't been sleeping well lately, it's going to be harder.  However, try anyway.  It will be better than feeling unfocused and distracted all day, and getting some good work done may just help you sleep better tonight.   If you are ruminating over the latest miscommunication with that difficult person in your life, focusing on your work could be a good break for your emotional muscles.  Finally,  I recognize that this process won't work for those of you whose work is, by its nature, wholly reactive work, such as being an emergency physician.  However, I am sure there is another aspect of your life in which you could apply it.  So, if I may be so bold....there are no excuses...give this a try!
Do you want to feel more focused and energized in your work? If you do,  I invite you to try this process.  I expect you will love it!

Here's the Process:

1. Take 5 minutes this evening to reflect and decide what the biggest priority is for tomorrow (remember to include important but not urgent items); Ask: "what is the big priority that needs my focus?"
2. Plan a specific time tomorrow when you will focus solely on this priority.  Make it as early in the day as possible. Visualize it happening, if you can.  Plan to become the laser beam in the photo.  Remind yourself how satisfied you are going to feel once you have completed the work.  Allow yourself 90 minutes, which is the maximum amount of time we can focus on any one thing effectively without a break.   If 90 minutes is impossible, at least 45 minutes will be effective.
3. Next day,  find a place where you can concentrate, close all email, don't answer the phone unless it's an emergency and give yourelf permission to focus on this particular prioirty; if you have an assistant, get his/her help with this; even book a boardroom where you can be alone and focus if that's what it takes.
4. Begin work on your priority;  focus on it solely, no exceptions.  Mutli-taskers, this will be hard, but worth it!
5. Finish the work or stop after 90 minutes, whichever comes first and take a well-deserved break.  More on breaks in a future post.  They are important!!!
6. Be amazed and satisfied  at what you accomplished and have that feeling carry into the rest of your day and energize you!  Focus on focusing and feel fantastic!
7. Do it all over again starting tonight.  Try this for a week, as Tony suggests, and do come back and report to us on it.

How has it worked for you?  Please leave a comment below.
If you already follow a process like this, I would love to know how it compares and how it works for you.  Please leave a comment and share your wisdom with the rest of us!

This post explores "worry" versus "concern" and connects these ideas with exciting research on positive emotions.  Remember, I have been loosely exploring managing our energy not our time since the summer and this post fits with managing our emotional energy.  Here is a link to the first post in the series to get you oriented.  Also, you will see that I am using some "metaphors" here.  Metaphors are a fun way to help us get to the heart of a matter. See my older post for more on metaphors.

I have often thought that I have a "worry cup". My worry cup must be filled to a consistent level all the time. So, if one thing I have been worrying about vanishes (drains out), I automatically find something else to worry about and take it's place in the cup.  This makes me think of a story. Years ago, when my kids were really little, I was taking some much-needed time out to work out in the gym.  This gym had a lot of senior citizens working out in it too, which I always found inspiring.  On this particular day, I was sitting on one of the pieces of equipment, and apparently I was lost in thought, worrying, most likely about money.   A man named John came by me and must have noticed the worried look on my face.  John was 91 years old at the time and just exuded vitality and wisdom.  I couldn't help but smile every time I saw him.  John said to me:  "Milisa, you look like you are worrying." I confirmed that he was bang on.  He then said: "Don't worry.   Be concerned.  But don't worry."  John's advice has stuck with me over the years and caused me to reflect and ultimately write this post.  What's the difference between worry and concern?  Well, let's look at some dictionary definitions, to start with.

"Worry" -  to torment oneself with or suffer from disturbing thoughts; fret.

"Concern" -  to relate to, to be connected with; be of interest or importance to to engage with; or to trouble, worry or disquiet.

So, we can see that there is overlap between the two words, but I think John meant that I should be connected with and engage with the issue, rather than fret over it.    In order to connect and engage with an issue, it seems to me, we have to be much more proactive.  We need to actively reflect on the issue and then we need to take some action, rather than fret and ruminate on it for ages.   I like this approach, since I really value being proactive in my life, rather than fretting or just being reactive all the time.

A wise friend of mine called me on it just the other day on our walk home from the dog park as I fretted about the fact that I didn't send my five year old to school with mittens.  (My worry/rumination: He will freeze his hands and he will have a terrible time outside and I am a bad mother and I will get in trouble with the teacher!)    She knew I was drafting this blog post.   She said: "Don't put that in your worry cup.  He will be fine." Well, she was right.   He was.  And, I went home and made sure the mittens were ready for the next day.   In sum, I fretted, then with Marisa's help, reflected on what I could do about it, engaged with the issue and then took action.  I felt much better.  (I know that this is a really minor thing to worry about in the grand scheme of things, but I deliberately chose a relatively trivial matter to illustrate how even that can spiral down into "I am a bad mother".)

So,  I am now declaring that I no longer have a worry cup.  Instead, I declare that I have a cup of concern.  And I will let it's fill level vary from time to time, just to make life more interesting and leave room for other things.  I will also work on filling a massive mug with a potion of positive emotions.  In a previous post I referred to a book called "Positivity" by Barbara Fredrickson.  Fredrickson presents her research which shows that in order to flourish, we need to maintain a ratio of positive emotions to negative emotions of at least 3 to 1 (5 to 1 for close relationships) (See this video for an excellent summary).   Essentially, this means that every time we have 1 measly negative thought, if we want to flourish, we need to have at least 3 positive thoughts to balance it off.  Returning to my cup metaphor,  this means that my big steaming mug of positive emotions has to be at least three times the size of my cup of concern (and any other negativity I am feeling attached to).   Now, I am picturing my cup of concern as one of those little tiny teacups that comes in the tiny children's tea sets.  It is greatly diminshed in size and importance.  (By the way, there is a limit to the ratio.  Apparently if we go beyond 11 to 1,  we don't flourish.  but I don't think that's an issue for most of us, especially on a grey and wet fall day!  The cup of concern does fill a necesary role in our lives but we need to limit it's size relative to the big mug to flourish).

So, would you like to pull up and chair and join me around this nice, imaginary, cosy fire and sip on your large mug of positive emotions for a bit?  Hmmm, so delicious!  What do you think? Leave a comment here.    And, I encourage you to visit Barbara Fredrickson's site and register to take the quick positivity ratio assessment.  It is a very interesting exercise and even more interesting if you track your results over time.  The first time I did it, I was struck by how many emotions I could remember experiencing in the space of 24 hours and I know that that was only the tip of the iceberg.   I was also struck by how low my ratio was.   It takes some effort and intentionality to flourish!

P.S. If you are a female professional, and haven't already done so, I would be honoured if you would take the short assessment I have prepared to help me design wonderful products and services just for you.  If you do so by November 20, I will enter your name in a draw for one of three wonderful books.  Here's a link to the post that explains everything or go directly to the Making Room For You Assessment.

One Blog at a Time

Not surprisingly, the blank blog screen turns out to be just as daunting as the writer’s blank page. Maybe it’s all the possibilities – infinite ideal thoughts perched at its edge, searching in vain for the beautiful words to which they belong. Or the myriad mistakes, lying in wait like crouching beasts under the bed at night. I won’t suggest I haven’t given some serious thought to my first blog, but in the end, I simply had to jump in with both feet.

So too with parenting. We worry well before our first one is even born – about their health, of course – and also about our capacity to parent (will I be any good?). Once our little one is up and running around, we still worry about their health, while sometimes hyper-focusing on their success at everything from pre-school to competitive sports. We might have our share of sleepless nights wondering… did I make the right decision (letting him go to that party; keeping her from quitting the team) or, what exactly can be done about that school bully? With a special needs child, we’ll have a few additional anxious conversations with educators, medical professionals or social service support folks. And though we remain flawless in our imagination – always saying exactly the right thing at the right time – bloopers will inevitably find their way into our day-to-day lives.

The Parent Evolution

In the end, all our efforts will be imperfect simply because we are organic beings – ever changing, growing, evolving. Our ability to parent well will almost certainly flourish as we become wiser, and that wisdom will almost certainly come by way of making mistakes. So, while ‘getting it right’ may look desirable from the outside, it’s essentially a closed system; one that assumes all quantities are fixed, and allows neither for growth, nor change nor evolution. 

Instead of perfect parenting, I prefer to shoot for the parent-improvement plan – the notion that I will be at least a little bit better at this job tomorrow than I was today. This requires an approach that is not only open-minded, but open-hearted: a willingness to learn from and listen – with care and consideration – to my child. The more genuinely I embrace all our daily imperfections, the closer I get to my perfect world. I look forward to sharing the journey with you in weeks to come.

The forest path spreads out before us like a leafy carpet under the children’s feet. Acorns make faint noises as they fall to the ground. My son—four—grabs us both a walking stick from a pile of branches and we begin our hike.

Our family time in the woods started as soon as my eldest was born. Before he could walk. We’d get him into a sling, or in the winter, pull him along the trails in a sled. His brother, now one-and-a-half, is already a veteran of the regional forest.

The autumn is best. No bugs, mud, poison ivy, or ice. The kids collect leaves, look at mushrooms and fungus, and hop over fallen mossy logs.
And it does my heart good to hear my son identify leaves and trees by their colour and shape. He knows oak, maple, scotch pine, spruce and birch. As for birds he knows cardinals, chickadees, blue jays, hawks and nuthatches. (And my youngest knows ducks and has a mild obsession with owls). They both love animals, and we often sit together during the evening and flip through books on Canadian wildlife. And as their grandpa is a professional wildlife artist, both boys have beautiful paintings of Canadian animals hanging on their bedroom walls.

And this love of nature starts on the trails during seasons like this one.
However, the trick to remember, and this point is crucial, is that as far as you hike into the woods, you still have to get back. And the way back, with tired little feet, always feels much, much longer than the way in.

It's been over two weeks since I returned from the International Coach Federation Conference in Las Vegas and I have had some time to let the ideas and experiences percolate a bit.   While I was there I felt like a big sponge, absorbing so much, with joy, I must say.   I have felt this way each time I have attended one of these conferences, and then the experience stays with me for months and informs much of what I do.  Now, having had a little time to reflect, a theme emerged for me:  a big part of what the conference was about was love.  There were three keynote speakers and two of them spoke overtly of love and one more obliquely.    And add this to the fact that I have just listened to Steve Jobs' commencement address to Stanford graduates where one of his big messages was to follow our hearts,  our intuition, and to not settle, but keep up the search to find what we love.  He stated: "The only way to do great work is to love what you do".

This was my fourth time attending such a conference.  There is something about the coming together of 1,000 plus people from all over the world who are trying, in various ways, to make the world a better place, and make a living too.   A vibrant energy is in the air.   During these events, we are told, over and over, by incredibly talented and respected people, from all disciplines, who come to speak to us, that our profession is well-placed to do just that: make the world a better place, one person at a time.    And it's true, we are.  The coaching process offers people a chance to reflect on what matters most to them, create meaningful goals and the help and accountability to reach and often far surpass those goals.   Coaching gives people the opportunity to tap into their whole self, including their imaginations and their hearts and their bodies, not just their intellects.   My tag line for my website, "Making Room For You" is a reference to this; when you are really in touch with what is meaningful to you and you are acting in a way every day that reflects that, you can grow "bigger".  You will grow towards your potential.   My coaching facilitates this growth, by making room for you in the coaching process, so you can then make more room in your life for the bigger You.   With all the stimulation in the world these days,  it is important to take the time to reflect and remember what's really meaningful to you, preferably well before a crisis hits.  Coaching is, among other things, forced reflection time.  When you are in the habit of reflecting, your actions can be more intentional and in line with what's important to you.  You will feel more satisfaction and fulfillment in your life.   (If you haven't already downloaded my PDF on Reflection, I invite you to do so now- find it on www.milisaburns.com.  You will then also be on my email list to receive these posts and any other news from me in your inbox.  I promise to only send you really valuable information, at reasonable intervals.)

So, here are a couple of highlights from the conference to illustrate the theme of love:

Sir Ken Robinson, whose book "The Element" I read in the Spring, was a big draw for me.    He writes of how finding your passion changes everything.   And this is what he spoke of at the conference.  The "element" is the place where your passion intersects with your talents.    It's not enough to work at what we are good at; we must love it too, and be spiritually fed from it.  (I think this is a challenge for people who happen to be good at quite a few things, which is true of many a female and male professional, as well as others.  They can end up, perhaps by default, just working away at one of those things, with often great material success, without finding the activity/work that they are both good at and passionate about.  But are they really working to their full potential, are they fuelled by their work or are they generally drained by it?  If you are one of these people, what would it be like for you to explore this idea further?  What would it be like for you to take up the challenge of finding your Element?  It is never, never too late!  And it might be a much less daunting a challenge that you think.  I am a big fan of small steps and tweaks, having seen the changes they can work.  If you are curious about this, I would be delighted to have a conversation with you about it.  Please contact me.) Sir Ken Robinson continued, we are facing a crisis in natural resources and we are facing a crisis in human resources.  We must do things differently if we are to survive as a human race, to be sustainable.  So, we have to dig more deeply into who we are in order to solve this problem.   (Michael Gelb, another keynote speaker,  called our current challenge a challenge of the imagination age, as opposed to the information age.)  Sir Ken Robinson told and asked us:  "To be born is a miracle, so what are you going to do with your life?"  He stated that many people don't enjoy their weekday lives at all, they just work to get themselves through to the weekend.  (Been there, done that!  Not fun.)

Steve Farber, author of "The Radical Leap", among many other books, spoke on the last day and he exhorted more about love in the context of leadership.  Specifically, his advice was:  do what you love in service of those who love what you do.  It's not enough to just go on merrily doing what you love, it must be in service of people who love what you do.  It's a dance, a duet, not a soliloquy.  I loved this speech because he is so clearly a respected leadership expert in the business world, and the first and most important thing that comes out of his mouth is talk of love.   He puts the love first.   After that, there came the rest of his LEAP acronym,  generate energy (if we love what we do, we generate energy), inspire audacity (it's about creating the energy to do something audacious, a bold and blatant disregard for normal constraints in order to change the world for the better), and provide proof (prove how we are going to change the world, walk the talk, lead by example).   And, he added, that in order to make the "LEAP"  you will be feeling many "OSM"s, that is "Oh Sh-- Moments".  It's a natural part of the process.

All in all, the conference has left me energized, hungry for more ideas and learning and eager to even more fully understand how I can do what I love in service of those who love what I do.  It's the latter part of that which is my focus this Fall as I have been reaching out to people to more fully understand what my clients' and potential clients deep needs and wants are.   In service of that, I will be sending out a survey and asking you for your help in furthering my undersanding of these issues so that I can be of better service to you.  I am aware that we are all connected and that pretty much anything we do involves collaboration and community.   I invite you to collaborate (and conspire!) with me to help us all work towards finding our "Element" and putting it into action with a great big LEAP!   My hope is we call all do our own small part to make this world a better place and live in a more sustainable way.     Please watch for my survey at the beginning of November and collaborate with me by answering the questions and sending it on to friends and family.   In exchange, I will provide those who respond with an information product that is tailored to helping solve the challenges that come to light in the survey.  Thank you!

Inquiries for you to reflect on:

Have you found your "Element"?  See the bolded questions for you in the third paragraph of this post.
How could you find ways (even very small ways) to integrate more love into your life, be it love for someone close to you or passion for your work, or some other form?   Keep me posted!

I love when my kids' story books make me think.  In Zen Shorts by Jon J. Muth, a panda bear tells some children the story of two monks, an older one and a younger one, on a journey.  At one point they come across a rich and haughty young woman who demands that they carry her across some water so she won't get wet.  They do so and put her down on the other side.  She walks away, with absolutely no words of thanks.   The monks continue on their journey.  Later that day, the younger monk says to the older one, "I can't believe how rude that woman was, can you?" The older monk replies.  "Are you still carrying her around?  We put her down hours ago."

I love the power and simplicity in this story.  I first read it years ago, but I think of it again and again.  I see a connection between it and something really interesting that I read in Jill Bolte Taylor's book, My Stroke of Insight (which I blogged about a while back.)  She explains that when we experience an emotion, there is a biochemical reaction in our brain and body that occurs.  We are at the mercy of that emotion and that chemical reaction, but (and here is the fascinating part!) only for 90 seconds.  After 90 seconds, we have a choice.   We can continue to keep that emotion alive in some way or we can choose to let it go or "put it down", like the older monk did with the haughty young woman, so to speak.    That's a pretty darn powerful choice to live into, don't you think?

So here's my latest experience that relates to these ideas. It is also consistent with my pledge to be vulnerable in these blog posts.  Last week, I attended the 2011 International Coach Federation conference in Las Vegas. (I know, it's an odd place for coaches to meet, but that's another story.)  Like the conferences I have attended in the past, I was so looking forward to this experience.  I was also planning to attend an additional conference the day before called the Coaches Edge Extravaganza at the elegant Four Seasons Hotel attached to the Mandalay Bay complex where I was staying.  Now, the day before I left, I ended up spending much of the day sitting in various dental chairs having a new "maryland" bridge installed in my mouth.  (I was born missing a peg lateral tooth, the  one immediately to the left of my front teeth.  I had had such a bridge ever since I was 18; the same one had stayed in for almost 30 years, a record, I am told.  For the majority of my highschool years, my orthodontist worked to make a space in my mouth for this tooth, and consequently, I spent high school not smiling much because of my really gap-toothed and brace-filled smile.  However, it was all worth it when the bridge was put in and I had a nice new smile before graduation.)   So, after this afternoon of dental work, I left with a new and improved smile and felt quite pleased with myself.   However, at 10:30 that night, just as I had finished packing and was flossing my teeth, I no longer felt so smug and vain: my new tooth had popped right out of my mouth!  So much for the bridge.  (Note to self, never have major dental work done just before leaving the country. And I should add, my most excellent dentist warned me that this might happen, as it often does with this type of bridge.)  My cry of horror woke up Andrew, my long suffering husband.    What to do?  Cancel my flight and miss at least the first confrence and pay through the nose for a new ticket in the hopes that I could have it glued back in the next day? " No!",  I said emphatically.   "I am not missing anything just because of a tooth!"   And I said this seriously, all the while looking like a Beverly Hillbilly with this huge gap in my teeth.  (Picture me, where someone has taken a black magic marker and drawn over one of my front teeth and you will get the idea.)  After a few minutes of panic and frustration (many more than 90 seconds worth, I admit), I figured out that I could wear my invisalign plastic retainer over the loose tooth and I would look ok. But could I eat and drink with it in, for six days in front of other people?  Or would I just take it out and show my gap?  That was the question.

Needless to say, I didn't sleep well that night and spent the morning in the airport researching what one can really eat and drink with an invisalign retainer in one's mouth.  (Answer: only water and apple juice if you follow the rules.)  Luckily, I had eaten with one in before previously for my orthodontic work, so I knew it was possible though quite awkward and sometimes messy.   Anyway,  I got to Vegas and, with my friend Alice Milne , had a great time at KA, a Cirque de Soleil production.  Eating with Alice was fine because I know her.   However, the next day at the first conference, was a different story.  How would I handle it?  I also didn't want to make a big deal of the issue and distract from the much more intersting issues to focus on.  The funny part was that for lunch I ended up sitting beside one of the organizers of the conference (and it was really a wonderful experience, by the way), Viki Winterton.   And the food was yummy.  We were served this most delicious caesar salad ( I love caesar salad!) and I was uptight about eating crunchy lettuce, so I was taking miniscule bites and really chewing slowly.   To anybody watching me (and I am not saying anybody really was paying any attention to how I was eating), it probably would have looked like I was a member of the "really slow food" movement.  (In contrast, I usually eat too quickly, the result of being  a Mum of three, I think.)   So as to not make Vicky think I didn't appreciate the food, I said "This is a delicious salad!" Things got better from there as I began to be more confident about what I could get away with with my plastic smile and I did take the retainer out on occasion when the lights were dim and red wine and chocolate were involved!     Anyway, back to the point of this story.    I could have spent the entire conference being angry about my situation, mulling over all the details of it.  But really,  this wasn't a hard call.   I was determined to be there and make the most of the opportunities I was lucky enough to enjoy.  In fact, my coach training meant that I even explored the possibilities for what I could learn from the situation.  For example, I often get burned out at the conferences since they are so highly stimulating and I don't want to miss a minute.  However,  this time, I decided I would eat breakfast alone in my room so that I could be completely comfortable without the retainer in and drink my coffee and eat my oatmeal.   I think this extra quiet time every day helped me to get more out of the two conferences than I would have otherwise.  Also, I  discovered I could go without coffee quite nicely for a couple of days, thank you very much.   This was helpful to know as I don't like to think I am addicted to it!  So,  by "putting down" the frustration and embarrassment of my situation,  I was able to learn from it and also make the most of the conferences.  Indeed I am so looking forward to integrating all that I learned, into my life (including my work!) and sharing it here in my blogs.   Throughout, I didn't hesitate to flash my plastic smile as much as possible and received other lovely smiles in return!

You might ask, how is this all connected with managing our energy?  Well, this is about emotional energy......and in particular, positive emotions and living in a world of possibilities rather than a more closed world of scarcity.  There are two fantastic books on these subjects that come to mind:   "Positivity" by Barbara Fredrickson, and "The Art of Possibility" by Rosamund Stone Zander and Benjamin Zander,  which I will blog about in more detail soon.  And finally, I have not forgotten about wanting to blog further about food and exercise in managing our physical energy.  It's just that I like to blog about the story that is crying out the loudest to be told in the moment and today, it was this one.

So, over to you.   What issue might you "put down"?  How might that feel for you?  What new possibilities might emerge for you? Feel free to share with me.  It would be a privilege to hear from you.

PS   This was an easy example to share.   I have had and do have other emotional responses that have been much harder to put down.  But this story seemed to want to be told, so I am telling it!  And it is kind of funny, right?

Today my four-year-old entered the classroom to learn and play. He was excited, a little shy at first, but pulled it off without a hitch. I recalled my first day, more than 30 years ago, when the teacher had to literally drag me inside kicking and screaming. I think my son’s experience at daycare smoothed the transition quite a bit.

We all walked to school together—two kids, mom, and myself—and I had to make sure my own prior distaste for school didn’t project upon or influence my son. After all, even I ended up liking school, albeit not until college. But I believe junior kindergarten will be a good experience for my lad, otherwise other options would have been explored.

But today was a double shock for my wife and myself. Right after we dropped off number one for his first day, we proceeded to daycare with our youngest, for his first day there. Talk about an emotional day!
However, kids seem to adapt quicker than adults. It didn’t take me long—watching all the parents reluctantly let go of their children’s hands at school—that it is the adults who had more trouble than the kids. It is us who get separation anxiety as much as the little ones; often more so, to be truthful.

An example of this is myself, who an hour before my son's pick-up, am sitting anxiously watching the clock. Surely, my son is playing and having fun, while I fight the butterflies that float around in my stomach.
But soon, it will be routine for all of us.
And I can't wait.

Since my last post my family and I have been immersed in back to school logistics and excitement.   Last week, when the kids went back to school, felt like a roller coaster ride to me, both physically and emotionally.   Taking a totally unscientific poll of other parents last week, I can safely say I was not alone!   It seems a lot of us were on roller coasters, with their extreme highs and lows and fast speeds and disorientation.   What a ride!   (For those of you who have not experienced having children in school and/or transitioning to a new school or full day school, let me say this - most parents I know find it quite the roller coaster for a while.  It is a huge adjustment for everyone: new daily rhythms and logistics, new communities, either school and/or classroom,  new rules.... Think of it like taking on a huge new file at work where everything is new and your day-to-day life is affected at every turn.)  So, this blog post is about how it is even more important to manage our energy (and keep to our rituals for doing so) when we are on the roller coaster; then we can all aspire to actually enjoying the ride!

I was going to write about managing emotional energy or about two more physcial aspects (eating and excercise) but I felt that since I have been on this roller coaster and at the mercy of forces greater than I, it seems,  it would be worth noticing that and exploring the issue a little.  And might help my fellows riders and  me enjoy the ride more, get off it or at least slow it down.

In our house, big changes happened last week: 1) my littlest one started full day school and riding on a school bus; and 2) for the first time since we became parents 13 years ago, all our children are at school all day.  My priority last week was to contribute to as smooth a transition to back to school as possible, given these changes.   (Picture a calm roller coaster ride?!)   I have to admit that I have had a hard time containing my excitement about the fact that my children are all in school all day;  the possibilities for me personally and for my work are large and enticing.     That added to the fact that I purposely spent tons of time with my children this summer and so now we are all ready for some structure and larger communities again.  Don't get me wrong - I adore being with my children.  And I love being and doing other things too, like my  work!  The house is very quiet;  and I feel almost giddy with excitement, exhilarated.   I am trying to remain calm and focused but I am not really succeeding most of the time.   I made a point of carving out this time to focus on this post because:   a) I wanted to get it done "on time";  and b) I knew it would be good discipline and, a relief, frankly, for me to force myself to focus on one thing only.    I should add that if my kids weren't settling in nicely to their new classes, my excitement would be sorely tempered and I would be focusing on how to help with that issue.

Instead of taking a big deep breath last week and puttering, and making sure that I was being true to my rituals to manage my energy, I revelled in my ability to accomplish things quickly and effectively (and sometimes even spontaneously!) without children in tow.  Things that have been on my to do list for months have been miraculously ticked off.  (My office is still a huge mess though!)   But at what cost?  Well, all this excitement has had me awake at night;  I did not follow my bedtime rituals in circumstances where they would have had the most effect and I paid the price.   Two nights last week I woke up at 4 or 5 am and could not, for the life of me, get back to sleep.   I tried all my tricks, but to no avail.  I know I will calm down in the next few days, but it has all been very interesting.   Ever since I became a coach, one of my challenges to be the best coach I can be is to not let my excitement get in the way of good coaching.   I have had a similar challenge this past week.  Generally the excitement has been a good thing and a fun ride, but I am now feeling a yearning to slow things down.  I found myself singing to my friends in the park  (poor them!)  the other day  the first verse of that old Simon and Garfunkel song that I learned at camp years ago:

Slow down, you move too fast.
You got to make the morning last now.
Just kicking down the cobblestones,
Looking for fun and feelin' groovy....

There are so many many reasons to slow down...this suggestion, and indeed, way of life, is well explored in a wonderful book my friend Cindy passed on to me years ago: "In Praise of Slow" by Carl Honore. I highly recommend it.  It is interesting and entertaining reading.   It has huge implications.   Also I am just finishing up  Martin Seligman's new book, Flourish, in which he discusses the virtue of slowness.  He asserts that  building slowness allows space for executive function - planning, remembering, inhibiting impulses, and creativity - to grow.  Finally, Bill Baren, a time mastery expert and coach, suggests that sometimes we need to slow down to get there faster.   I will definitely be blogging more about slowing down.
So, now, on Monday, the start of the second week, I am finishing this post on my couch with my feet up, making myself reflect here with you.  I am trying to be very proactive and intentional about it.  It is definitely slow work.  I am trying hard to walk the walk.  (Please help yourself to my free PDF on Reflection and join my list -see the box to the right of this post.  I would love to have you join my list, regardless of whether you are a professional woman or not.).   And it is helping.  It is a ritual that boosts  my human spirit energy, making me feel connected to something larger than little old me.   My to do list is long and I will get to it,  step by step.  I will clean up my office (1 hour a day until it's done!)  And I will ready myself for the next ride on the roller coaster; it may be just around the next corner!

I learned some good lessons on a recent camping trip with my family.
Firstly, putting up a tent with the help of a four-year-old greatly increases the time it takes to do the job. (One side of the tent goes up, the other side falls down; a tent peg goes in, another peg is pulled out, etc.).

I also learned how a one-year-old isn’t easily confined to a postage-stamp-sized camping space, and how chasing him while putting up the tent makes the job even more difficult.

Then came the rocks. All shapes and sizes of stones were collected, dropped into pails and sleeping bags; they were thrown into the water, stuffed behind the car seats, and shoved by the handful into Daddy’s pockets. There were rocks in my shoes, the car consul, and even the cooler.

Another revelation was the fact that we could have been anywhere in the world, rather than over five hours away, as long as there was a beach. Morning, noon, and evening were all about being near the water and splashing around in it. The lake was like a mysterious ocean to the children, and the sandy shore was a place of intrigue and wonder.

Our last night there was a wind storm. We needed the weight of cinder blocks and chunks of limestone to keep the tent from flying away, and it flapped and shifted all evening. The kids wanted to go home, and I couldn’t blame them. I was concerned myself. But we made it through the night, and awoke to a calm morning.

Overall the lesson I took away was a good one: how important it is to spend time as a family and how fun it is to rough it in the great outdoors.