Kids & Chores

Chores teach self-esteem and responsibility,
but should not be tied to allowances.

Suzan Butyn

I call my 11-year old son, Luke, to dinner and I am rewarded with yet another screech of “just five more minutes!” The addiction to the WII takes precedence over a hot meal. And definitely over doing chores.

I yell back, “Get up here and set the table now.” He sets the table begrudgingly and as we sit down to eat I am greeted with the inevitable whine, “Not that again. I hate your pizza.” This makes me fume.

Kitchen duty is a supreme sacrifice on my part because it is not my favourite thing to do. It’s certainly not what I consider ‘down’ time. So with minimal conversation, my son inhales what little food he can and is off again. I feel defeated. Can I be the only mother who has to yell to get her kid to do chores and whose meals and efforts are ‘dissed’ on a regular basis?

What exactly is it that I’m doing wrong? My son has a list of chores and is paid an allowance at the end of the month for doing them. Besides setting the table, he is expected to clear the dinner dishes, take out the daily recycling, weekly recycling and garbage, wash his clothes and put them in the dryer (where they inevitably stay), clean-up the stuff on his floor every other week, and feed the bird and dog. But I would be a big, fat liar if I said this happens without constant reminders or hassles.

On days like this, I seriously wonder who I like least: my son, my husband for not being around, or myself for being a nag. So I decided it was high time to find out if the effort it takes to get my son to do chores is worth it.

“Absolutely” says Linda Seppanen, a child psychologist for Halpern & Associates in Cobourg. “Children need to know that they are part of a family, that everyone uses this space and we’re all responsible for it. If you want children to learn to be responsible and involved, they have to have a sense of values.” And chores, says Seppanen, are a great way to teach this.

“It’s not just a question of teaching responsibility,” explains Seppanen,“but teaching a sense of cooperation. It’s a great gift that parents can give their children to help them be aware of their effect on their environment – from home, to school to their community. There are responsibilities outside their own needs.”

Dan McGann, an adolescent team social worker at Credit Valley Hospital in Mississauga, agrees. “Chores are a way to participate in the family and can build self-esteem, integrity and responsibility.” McGann and his wife have an 18-year-old daughter and a 14-year-old son and on Saturdays they bond as a family by cranking the stereo and “attacking the house together.”

But this kind of cooperation is rare – most families struggle with the issue of chores. Seppanen reports that, “I have parents who come to me and tell me when their kids were smaller they really wanted to help out and now they don’t.” This is usually because parents have micromanaged the chores.

For instance, a three-year-old may be dying to help, but parents are afraid to let them do a chore because it will take forever. But children this age take a long time because they are trying to be very careful, explains Seppanen. “You can see their sense of pride. And next time they want to help more because they have a real sense of contributing.”

If parents step in to clean up what the child has done or hurry the job, the kids quickly learn that their contribution isn’t valued. “Nothing turns kids off more than seeing that what they’ve done isn’t good enough,” says Seppanen. “You need to treat your children respectfully for their contribution and effort. If the chores are not getting done, it’s because they have no investment.”

Sounds good in theory, I think, but what if they still don’t get to the chores? What about those clothes in the dryer that Luke can’t be bothered to fold and put away? Seppanen advises parents to ask kids who are not completing their tasks to come up with their own solution. “Kids can be very creative and they will have more investment in the outcome.” You can also implement a trial period and revisit the issue to see if the solution worked.

But what if the child can’t or won’t come up with a solution? Then you come up with one that will be “inconvenient” for the child, suggests Seppanen. In my case, for example, I should ask my son if it’s okay to adopt my solution, which is to take the clothes out of the dryer, throw them into a bag and then store them in the cupboard. He’ll quickly get the message that folding and putting away his clothes is a lot more convenient than digging them, wrinkled, out of the cupboard.

As kids get older, parents also make the mistake of trying to get them to do chores according to the parent’s timetable. When they don’t get to it fast enough, parents jump in and do the chore for them. But it comes with a price – frustration for the parents and non-compliance from the kids. Seppanen has heard many a teenager complain, “I wanted to finish this first, and then she yelled at me.”

“Helping kids to be independent takes a lot of time and it’s not convenient,” she acknowledges. “Parents need to know this is a long-term project. If you do the chores for them, it is really short-term gain for long-term pain.” So it is better to give your kids a list of chores that they have some choice over, discuss a time frame and then let it go. It’s their baby now.

Another barrier to chore compliance can be the father’s attitude and perception about doing household chores.“If both adults are not taking equal responsibility, don’t expect the kids to,” warns Seppanen. Many men feel that outdoor work is equivalent to household chores. But the truth is that the effort and time it takes to run a household smoothly requires a lot more investment on a daily basis. “If the woman is doing it all she can get really resentful and without meaning to this can affect her approach to kids doing chores,” says Seppanen. The conversation with the partner has to happen first.

So how do you make it more equitable? The reality is that it will never be completely fair – Mom is still likely to do more than the other family members. But it can reduce resentment if more of the load is shared. A good approach is to list all the chores and the number of hours it takes to do them. Then divvy up the chores as much as possible among family members.

Some families even have a love and hate chore list they share so they can swap unappealing chores with others in the family.

Children of all ages can participate in appropriate chores (see sidebar). For example, kids between seven and 12 usually love to plan and cook one or two meals a week. “The investment can be really high for the kids and be really fun,” says Seppanen.

It’s good to know that involving Luke in chores gave me a big red checkmark in my corner (even if my approach needs finessing), but who knew I was guilty of the number one mistake with chores? And that is linking it to allowances. When children get paid for chores, “it will come back to haunt the parents,” says Seppanen. Why? Because when kids start to baby-sit or get a paper route, they will opt out of doing chores. McGann agrees. “If you pay your kid for chores, then when he doesn’t want to do the dishes, he’ll say, ‘Just take it out of my allowance.’”

They are bang on. This has already happened at our house. I have deducted money from Luke’s allowance when he didn’t do the recycling or feed the poor starving bird. By the way, that’s another thing I was doing wrong. Children are not supposed to be responsible for the primary care of pets, like providing them with food, according to Seppanen. “Your pet can’t come to you and tell you the kid is doing a bad job,” she notes. Instead she suggest that children do extra jobs for pets like grooming, taking them for a walk, giving them a bath, etc.

But back to allowances – they do have a place in children’s lives, say both McGann and Seppanen. “Allowances are great to teach money management skills, delayed gratification and how to save up for things,” says McGann. Just don’t link it to chores. You can, however, pay kids for odd jobs, like weeding, washing cars, or mowing the lawn, to help them save up some extra money.

With this new wisdom in hand, I sit Luke down and explain that although he will still get an allowance for money planning purposes, he won’t be getting it for chores. These he will do as part of his membership in this family. Luke of few words grunts his assent. Why should he care? As far as he’s concerned, he’s still getting paid. But we’ll all benefit down the road if the experts are right.

So as part of the first day of the rest of my life, I present my son with a cookbook for kids and ask him to pick and make a meal. What better way to walk a mile in my shoes? As we eat his so-so homemade pizza, he says proudly, “See? This is much better than yours.” Apparently the fruit of his labour is a lot more delicious than mine. I bite my tongue as Seppanen’s parting words come to mind: “Remember, the important thing is the doing, not the end result.”

Suzan Butyn is a freelance writer and the mother of Luke, 11. Her household includes husband Joe, pet corgi Cruz and cockatiel, Spike.