The Father Effect
Kids flourish when they have involved Dads.
Rob Stringer

There's no denying it, Canada's 7.3 million fathers are more involved than ever in actively parenting their kids. National studies in 2000-01 show a definite increase in the amount of time men spend on parenting and on domestic work.

"Most people would agree that today's fathers are more involved in raising their children than was the case for their own fathers," says Diane Dubeau in her paper "Portraits of Fathers" published by The Vanier Institute of the Family. "Men are no longer mere providers but are now affectionate and caring fathers, directly and emotionally involved in raising, caring for, and interacting with their kids." This increased involvement of fathers has many positive effects on their kids.

The benefits for kids
Father involvement has profound influences on their kids' academic, emotional and social development, according to a research summary published by the Father Involvement Initiative.

Children of involved fathers are:
more cognitively competent at the age of six months, score higher on infant development scales, and are better problem-solvers as toddlers - having higher IQ's by age three.

better academic achievers; they are more likely to get "A's" and have better math and verbal skills;

more likely to enjoy school, participate in extracurricular activities and graduate;

less likely to fail a grade, have poor attendance, or have behaviour problems at school;

demonstrate a greater tolerance for stress and frustration;

less likely to engage in delinquent behaviour, substance abuse, truancy, and stealing;

more likely to be satisfied with life, less likely to be depressed or suffer emotional distress;

more likely to have positive peer relations and be popular and well-liked;

and more likely to grow up to be tolerant and understanding and to be well-socialized and successful adults.

The benefits for Mom & Dad
Kids aren't the only ones who benefit from more father involvement. With over 60% of mothers working outside the home, the additional involvement in childrearing by Dad is usually appreciated, if not just plain expected. "Well, of course there are the tangible benefits," says Lisa Sutton, a mother of one. "I don't have to do as much work and things get done around the house."

While the actual division of responsibilities between parents may vary from family to family, Sutton reports that her husband's high level of involvement allows her to maintain better work/life balance and find some all important personal time. "I can sit and have a cup of coffee and read my newspaper while he does things with Claire or tidies up. I may not notice it as much while he's home, but when he goes away for three or four days, I realize how much he does."

Then there are the intangible benefits. "I feel Jim is respectful towards both our roles as parents … and of me, my needs, and the work I do other than being a mother. This, of course, keeps our relationship healthy, which is one of the best things we can do as parents."

In addition to strengthened bonds with partners, many Dads also report a sense of improved relationships with their kids. "Playing hockey, going to concerts and just doing little things with the boys has built up our relationship," says Bob Gibson, a father of two teenage boys. "My boys used to say how great it was that I would play street hockey with them and their friends. Not every Dad would do that." While many parents struggle to get their teens to talk or spend time with them, Gibson is reaping the benefits of his regular involvement with his sons. "My oldest son just invited me out to see a movie with him the other day."

An involved Dad knows that each moment he spends actively engaged with his children is an investment in future relationships. After all, once our children no longer depend on us for food and shelter, shouldn't we make sure they have a reason to come back?

Getting involved
As you may already be aware, there are many barriers to greater involvement by fathers. These include a perceived lack of time, required travel, or a teenager's normal withdrawal from his parents. Another barrier to involvement is a lack of intention by Dad - that is, living each day as it comes without giving any real thought to getting more involved. Here are some tips to help you overcome some of these roadblocks and get more involved with your kids.

Cut back on the amount of work you bring home. This will give you more time to spend with your kids at night and on the weekends. While you might not be able to accomplish quite as much work, it won't affect your relationships with customers and coworkers. But it will enhance your relationships with your kids. If you really must do some work at home, try waiting until the kids are asleep before starting. If this is not possible, explain to them that you have to work for a set amount of time (say, an hour), but then you will be available.

Give your kids your undivided attention. Whether you're exploring a frog pond, making pizza, or reading stories together before bed, your kids should know you are theirs and theirs alone. By being "present in the moment" during play or discussions, you show them how important they are to you. Avoid being an "unconscious parent" - doing one thing, but thinking about another. Be there in body as well as in mind and spirit.

Don't let distance separate you from your kids. Need to spend time away from home? Record a favourite storybook for your kids to listen to while you are gone. Take photos or artwork with you on the road or to the office. Set regular call or email times. Explain how you will "beam your love off the moon" to them. Then, if they miss you at night, they just have to look at the moon to know you are sending them love.

Work to make ordinary things fun. Take advantage of natural opportunities to connect with your kids. Who says washing dishes, cleaning up, or walking to the store for milk with the kids has to be boring? Use your imagination, and get your kids to use theirs, to turn those chores into games. Want some help in the kitchen? Pretend you are running a restaurant and assign everyone a role - sous chefs help with food prep, and the maitre de is in charge of setting up the kitchen or dining room table. Trouble getting kids to help with laundry? Turn that washer into an NBA hoop during the last seconds of a game - every shot counts! Not only will you help to get the kids more involved, you will build bonds and create positive memories to last a lifetime.

Keep involved in your teen's life. As our children become more independent through their teen years, it often becomes much harder to keep the same level of connectedness you once felt. But keeping involved in your teen's life is especially important during these sometimes turbulent years. Let your teen know that you will always be there for him/her. Find common interests with your teen or show an interest in the things that are important to him. Attend sporting events or games. Offer to go shopping with her or drive her to the mall. Help with job searches. Show your support by driving your teen to job interviews and helping him write a resume and fill out application forms. Let your teen teach you the latest video game or poker variation. Show a positive interest in the person he/she is dating.

Success can be yours
Becoming an involved Dad doesn't just happen. It takes practice and persistence - but the rewards are priceless!

Rob Stringer is a parenting & life coach. Access his free monthly newsletter at www.parentingwithintention.ca.